Since when is my name a synonym for head?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
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Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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