I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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