boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
