Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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