so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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