if you like me you must not know who I am
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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