There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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