if you like me you must not know who I am
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
