he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Randomize
