I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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