Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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