Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
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I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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