You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
