I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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