You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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