I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
