Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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