My hand turned me down
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
