girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
