Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
