Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
