On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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