dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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