I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
