I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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