i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am one with the molecules
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize