How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
