You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Sorry my hands just texted you
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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