Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
