Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Boobs are out for the taking
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
