It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
