I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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