working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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