Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
