Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
