im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
