i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
