Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
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There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
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did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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