Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
