You can't motorboat a personality
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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