tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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