So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
