There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
