my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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