She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
