Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
