I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
