Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
