You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
