oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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