I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
