Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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