I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
