Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
look no pants
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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