Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
