i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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