porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
