Your mouth is God's brothel.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
