you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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